Not Starting Over

My original intention was to post a light-hearted Mother's Day post with some recent pictures, but I changed my mind.  There will still be some recent pictures, but I've had some thoughts swirling around in my head ever since an encounter I had over the weekend.

Saturday night was Kameryn's junior prom.  So fun to see my basketball playin', outdoor lovin' girl all dressed up!  Our high school has a tradition called Grand March where all the kids are introduced before prom so everybody can see them all snazzied up.  So, off we went with the majority of our crew to see our daughter/sister.

I made a mistake.  I've gotten too comfortable in the circles we tend to navigate with our family...basketball games, church, etc...where people know us.  You know, no explanation necessary.  This was a whole different ball game (ha, no pun intended).  As we were leaving the high school with the masses, stopping here & there to say hello, I suddenly hear, "Looks like you're starting all over again."  Enter my mistake.  I had not mentally prepared for such an encounter & was caught off guard.  While I don't feel the need to explain myself to people, I am fiercely protective of our children & don't want them to ever feel like they are something less than the blessing that they are.

But that's how this comment came across.  This woman hasn't seen us in years, but her comment came without a smile & an undercurrent of utter disdain.  And all I could come up with was, "This is where God has called us."  Really, Dardi?  Blech.  While God has placed growing our family on our hearts, I'm afraid that statement leaves a whole lot out & makes it sound like our choice--our privilege--to keep parenting is some do-good project instead of the complete joy & blessing that it is. Seriously ticked at myself for that.  Seriously.

What I really wanted to say was, "Motherhood, along with my faith & my marriage, is my heart, soul, & passion.  I do not see it as something to merely survive & get over with.  It is an honor & a privilege, full of laughter & tears, messes & pretty moments, but that's part of being a parent.  Getting to watch as these children grow into beautiful individuals makes every tough moment worth it.  God has brought all 9 of my children in a unique, significant way into our lives, & I shake my head in complete disbelief every day that I get to be their mom."  In a nutshell:

 No, I am not 'starting over'.  I get to continue on...."

Happy Mother's Day, right?  Rant over.  Thanks for letting me vent...now onto the good stuff....

So fun to have Kaelee home from South Carolina!  Painting toes, a picnic in the park, & feeding the ducks have helped make up for lost time!

Sisters

Dad teaching Kam how to fry fish like Grandpa does.

PROM 2012!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, that's her real hair (lol...someone asked me if she got extensions), yes, that's natural curl, & yes, I did her hair for prom. 

Kemeri got to hang out with KiKi during pictures.  So cute.

Grand March

Once upon a time people thought they were twins...Now people think Kyler is older.  When did this happen!?

Keshia (Kearsten's best friend from college), Kam, & KiKi

Finally, a picture with all of us now that Kaelee's home!  Not the best with the funky shadows, but it's what we got for now.  THIS is the reason my heart is so full...and THIS is the reason I hope that maybe next time somebody has a little somethin' to say I will be better prepared to respond.

Learning New Things

You know how I said yesterday that I love that every child is so unique?  That includes their hair, & I absolutely love, love, love my sweet Kendi's hair.  I'm doing my best to learn how to take good care of it, & today we experimented with a new style.  It's not perfect, but she is such a good sport & it makes for some good Mommy/Kendi time.  The only downside is that my baby is looking more like a little girl these days. *sniff*

Two Years Ago

Two years ago today, Kameryn & I had the privilege of being in Ethiopia to meet our new son/brother.  I find it hard to wrap my mind around the fact that it's been 2 years.  On one hand, it seems like yesterday, but on the other, it seems a lifetime ago.  I decided to repost about our first day together...it's good to remember where we started & how far we've come. 

Adopting an older child is a process with a huge learning curve.  I'm not saying this as a negative, but as the truth.  I met a sweet woman in the airport in China last month, & she was really struggling.  They had just adopted for the first time, & she said, "No one ever told me...".  I am so thankful that we had the opportunity to chat, b/c it took me back to this day in Ethiopia.  We have been on a journey since that day, finding our way in the midst of trying to keep a healthy balance between nurture & creating boundaries for a child that has known self-reliance all the while encouraging his individuality.  I think that even if people tell you, nothing can really prepare you b/c every child is different.  But that's the beauty...every child is different.  Unique.  Special.  A treasure to be discovered anew every single day.  Easy?  No.  Worth the effort to work through the layers to make the discoveries of who he is?  Yes. 

I am so thankful for K'Tyo.  His smile lights up the room (actually, it lights up our town...ask anyone & they will say, "That kid is always smiling!") & he is quick to lend a hand.  He loves sports, & is competitive as all get down.  He melts my heart with his compassion for others & the way he notices details & gives thoughtful compliments.  He has such an enthusiasm for life, & I am blessed to be on this journey of discovery as his mom.

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May 2, 2010 - So, after having a decent night of sleep, we got up for the big day. The day you wait for & try to envision for a very long time. It was very surreal, & then became a bit comical. We were picked up in this van...there are many, many of these in Ethiopia, and they all have their own flare. Ours was decked out in fur on the dash & all kinds of other funky accessories. We got to enjoy what I assume was Ethiopian rap on our way to the orphanage. Not sure that's what I had envisioned, but I was kind of diggin' it!



The metal gate to the orphanage was opened, and the first thing we saw were toddler-age children everywhere, but we didn't see K'Tyo. So, we followed the other parents into the baby room & watched as they were united with their little ones. I was glad we got to witness this for a few minutes, but then we decided to venture out to see if we could find our boy. Just as we were about to step out of the door, Kami said, "Mom, there's 'Tyo". With his huge arm sling, it was unmistakably him. I think he was trying to figure out what all the excitement was about b/c he looked kind of puzzled. It's a little bit of a blur, but I remember squatting down & saying his name. He looked at me, & I pointed to myself & said, "Mommy". He came to me, a little bashful at first, but once he put his arms around my neck, he literally did not let go. I know I keep using this word, but it was very surreal.







Now, that was the fairytale part. The reality began to hit as this sweet little boy stayed very close during our whole visit. He never got far from me or Kameryn, but all I could think was, "I need to clean him up". I moved past the emotion of the experience to a bit of panic. I think a lot of it was being tired & it's also very overwhelming. We finally got back to the guest house, and I was into "roll-up-my-sleeves" mode. He was in desperate need of a bath, nail trimming, & teeth brushing. Lots of teeth brushing. At the end of the day when he was tucked into bed, I felt more like a nurse than a momma. I had to shed a few tears as I desperately was missing my husband & other children all the while wondering what had just happened.

The reason I'm sharing this is b/c I've said before that I don't like to pretend or try to portray perfection. Lots of things in life are hard. This was a beautiful but extremely hard day. But here's the good news: We made it through, and Monday morning brought a new day with new experiences showered in a good dose of God's grace. I look forward to sharing in the coming days details surrounding falling in love with my son.....

Wordless Wednesday {K'Tyo, Then & Now}

This is Life

Ever had one of those days that got so nutty you just felt like standing on your head?  I've had one of those weeks.  Where to begin?  Oh, I know....let's start with the TWO squad trips for Miss Kemeri.

Tuesday night, Kameryn, Kade, Sydni, the three little girls & I had just set down in the living room to watch some t.v. (K'Tyo had just gone to bed).  Kemeri had been running a low fever since waking up from her nap, but she was so excited to see everybody & started playing.  A few minutes later she climbed up on my lap, which is our usual bedtime gig.  I suddenly felt like something wasn't right, & when I peeked around at her face, I saw something no one wants to see.  Kemeri's eyes were rolled into the back of her head, lips dark blue, body was like a noodle, & she was completely unresponsive.  God bless the big kids that were home, b/c they all jumped into action (Joe was picking up Kyler from his driving class).  Kam called the squad, Syd took the other 2 girls into another room, & Kade called Joe.  I got Kemmy on the floor & started trying to stir her & thankfully, she began breathing again without needing CPR, but was still unresponsive.

We were taken directly to our local ER, & while they were great, with her limited health history, they wasted no time having us transported to the children's hospital that we've been going to for her medical evaluations.  Know what "running hot" means?  I do now.  It's when the squad doing the transport goes full throttle down the highway with the lights & sirens going so that you make a 1 hr. 15 min. trip in under an hour.  Fortunately, I just got home from the driving in China, so this did not phase me much.

After a very long night in the ER ruling out lots of stuff, it was determined that she had a febrile seizure, which is actually a fairly common thing in kiddos between 6 months-6 years old but is one of the scariest episodes I've ever witnessed.  Who knew?  This is my 9th child, & we have never experienced one of these.  Two days later & you would never know anything even happened.

Since we're in medical mode anyhow, wanna let you know we're gonna be needing some prayer warriors in the near future.  We had Kemeri's MRI last Friday.  A specialist we had consulted with when reviewing her medical info thought that her spina bifida was quite minor & at most she would probably need a minor surgery to fix the dimple/skin tag on her back.  It's going to be a bit more than that.  Our punkin has a tethered cord, which will need to be released, & there's also a fatty mass pressing against her spine that will need to be removed as well as some of the excess bone at the bottom of her spine.  While I had hoped for the best, something told me it would be more, so I am not completely surprised by this.  I am sad that she will have to go through this (6+ hours of surgery/week in the hospital), but we have all resolved that we're in this together & will do whatever we have to for our sweet girl.  I'm sharing all this for 2 reasons:  1) Prayer is powerful! and 2) This is part of our journey, & I'm finding more & more through this blog that when you keep it real, it's amazing the people God brings into your path that either have been there done that & can offer support OR might be traveling the same road currently OR that might someday stumble upon Kemeri's story just as they are looking to adopt a child with the same need.  God is so cool like that.

Kemeri didn't much care for that MRI business, but I do believe she is the cutest sleepy patient ever!

She continues to get along well with all the kids, but I suppose I have the most pictures of she & Kendi together since, well, they are most always together.

I just wish they were always as angelic as in the above picture.  Unfortunately, this is the exception, not the rule.  Case in point:

 

This is what happens when these 2 discover a box of strawberry quik within reach (note to self: Kemeri can reach higher than Kendi, so rethink the positioning of things).  Yes, fashion is out the window these days.  I go straight for the sneakers.

Diagnosis: Daughter

I remember the day that we had our "match" meeting for Kaya. Even though she had been in our family since she was 2 days old, we still had to go through the process to adopt her. As we sat there, we were presented with a stack of papers no less than a foot tall stating this child's possible "issues" down the road as well as current needs. I'm not kidding, the stack of papers was HUGE. Not to sound snarky, but I remember sitting there thinking, "Whatever. You can tell me all kinds of scary stuff, but it doesn't matter. She's our daughter. Period." The bottom line was, we already knew her. We would do anything for her.

I wish I could say that I had the same fierce resolve as we reviewed Kemeri's referral paperwork. But I didn't. I was gripped by fear of the unknowns, so much so that at one point we even thought it best to walk away.

As I have slowly come out of my jetlag fog, I have been thinking a lot about those days of uncertainty & fear. I've also thought about what it might look like if all of my potential special needs or "issues" made their way to paper. Ha, I'm pretty sure I'd have my own fairly tall stack of papers. Lucky for me, there is no such special needs inventory on me to be found on this earth. But my Father in heaven knows every.single.one. Seriously, He looked at my rap sheet of imperfections (that's what I feel like these sweet children get stuck with), but He didn't walk away. He saw promise. He saw worth. He saw hope. He said that I'm chosen, & loved me so much that He laid down His life for me.

It humbles me to say that I had to wrestle with God a lot about what He kept speaking to our heart about this little girl we only knew from the papers in front of us. But He knew her & wanted us to trust Him in that. That one day we would know her, too, beyond the scary words on that paper. And love her fiercely. Do not get me wrong. It is important to know & understand a child's special needs, but knowledge & fear are 2 very different things, & I was allowing fear to rule me. Adoption is a leap of faith, & God was asking us to jump, even though all we knew was what was on paper.

We have now been home for almost 2 weeks, & this is what I know about Kemeri:

• She has a twinkle in her eye & a laugh that sounds like "Boo" on Monsters, Inc., & it is contagious!


• She loves eggs, fruit, pizza, goldfish crackers, lollipops, & jellybeans, not necessarily in that order.


• She likes to go outside, but thinks grass is scary.


• She likes to play with lots of different toys, including baby dolls.


• She likes to snuggle with Mommy when it's time to go to sleep, & goes running with excitement when Daddy gets home.


• She adores her brothers & sisters, & it's so sweet the way she puts her arms up to get a squeezer from them. She does share the occasional push with Kendi.


• She has zero tolerance for messy hands.


• She loves to play in the bath, & now that she has a sister to share a bath with, it's even more fun.


• She thinks our dance parties are silly & fun!


• She was terribly afraid of the dog, but after 9 days, she lifted the restraining order against Ella & they are now great friends.


• She is one of the bravest little girls I know.

There's so much more, & each day brings new discoveries about this little girl of ours. We have already had a couple of medical appointments & are scheduled for a sedated MRI on Friday, but when I look out in the other room to watch her play, the thoughts in my mind are not related to the medical diagnosis we were faced with in that initial paperwork. My heart knows that her diagnosis is that she is our daughter that we love, & even more wonderful...She is a daughter of the King.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-15

It Ain't Pretty...

This jetlag thing...ugh. I feel like dog meat. Shoot, I probably look like dog meat, too. But I am avoiding mirrors at this point. I wondered about all this talk of jetlag. The only trouble I had when we traveled to Ethiopia was the need for a little earlier bedtime. Evidently, the difference between an 8 hour time difference & a 12 hour one is ginormous. Lucky me.

Last night was the worst yet. I had decided to stay up until about midnight to see if I could make it a bit longer through the night. Big fail. Instead, I never fell asleep. Kemeri did better, but she has little moments that she wakes up crying to make sure I'm there. Fortunately, it doesn't take too long to settle her down & get her back to sleep.

The last time I checked the time, it was about 5 a.m. And then the vicious raccoon came & tried to bite Kade, so I hit it with a baseball bat. Seems the blood attracted wolves to come, so I fought them off until I could get all the kids into Grandpa Jack's cabin. When I tried to yell for him to get his gun, nothing would come out of my mouth, & the wolves were pushing the door in. Finally, Joe showed up, so I was frantically telling him we needed to shoot a gun to scare the wolves away, when I realized some idiot was filming the whole thing with his cell phone. I turned & told him I thought it highly inappropriate for him to be filming this horror, especially since I am a mother of 9 & in my underwear.

I could really use a peaceful night of sleep.