I Love My "Job"

I mean, seriously, how could I not love it?? Today, I got to go to the park, be out in the fresh air & sunshine, watch these sweet girls play, & feed the ducks. Yes, there are days like yesterday when I am climbing Mt. Laundry Pile, but it's these days that make it all worth it!

For those of you that have asked, we are very happy with the decision to keep Kaya home instead of sending her to preschool. She is returning to her happy self, & we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was the right thing for our girl right now! And honestly, I am loving it & I think Kendi is thankful!!

On the Move

Just like that, we are now mobile.

Well, actually, Miss Kendi became mobile a few weeks ago at the ripe old age of 10.5 months, but I've been in denial about it.

But there's really no denying it. This girl is not just taking little wobbly steps. Oh, no.

We went to visit Daddy at the university today & she OWNED the place. These are a couple of the least blurry pictures Daddy caught with his phone. She won't stand still!!

Busy & cute is a very dangerous combination! ;o)

Sunday Snapshot: Simply Kemeri

Look what we got!!
Kemeri Abigail is almost 18 months old now, & we were so thankful to receive some new pictures of her recently. She is so sweet, & I just want to kiss those cheeks.

I don't know, though. Her lips look pretty kissable, too.

And I'm just betting this partial smile can get really big.

I know I haven't talked about Kemeri's SNs, but as you can see, she has what my daughter, Kearsten, refers to as a "lucky fin". (We are huge Disney fans, & Kearsten is an intervention specialist major, so I was not surprised when she immediately & matter-of-factly made that positive connection.) This next picture just made me so proud of her because she is using both hands. Funny how things hit you like that.

*Sigh*. I love the pictures, but they are hard at the same time. She has already changed so much, & it will be awhile before we get there. We have our fingerprint appointment on the 29th, so we're hoping our approval comes shortly after from USC*S so that we can send off our dossier. Then we get in the next line of waiting.

We would be most thankful for prayers for our paperwork, & even more importantly, for Kemeri. :o) Thanks for letting me share!

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Acknowledging the Wounds

They say that hindsight is 20/20. *They* are sooo right. I have now parented two daughters into adulthood & when looking back, I lament that I cannot have a do over with regard to the way I handled some things. It's the old, "I wish I knew then what I know now".

When Kaelee & Kearsten were very little, their first father left the picture. Shortly after Joe & I got married, Joe adopted the girls. Less than a week later, their first father was killed in a plane crash. It was a devastating time, but the girls were so little & it didn't seem to phase them much because they didn't really remember much of him. Over time, we just didn't talk about it & I dealt with my grief. In my young, inexperienced phase of motherhood, I figured why bring it up & cause unnecessary pain for them. That's the thing about wounds. Some of them are visible; some are not. But just because you can't "see" them doesn't mean they aren't there.

Over these last several years, Joe & I have become quite versed in the effects of trauma on children. For Joe in his professional life, this has become a passion as he travels the country speaking to & training educators about working with wounded children based on his years of experience in education working with struggling kiddos. For us in our personal life, it has become a reality.

We've had a big dose of reality in these past couple of weeks. What should have been an exciting, happy time went south...way south.

Let me backtrack for a minute. If you've been around my blog for awhile, you know that Kaya came to us at 2 days old through foster care. After a looong 2+ YEARS, we were thankful to have the opportunity to adopt her. I have never shared much about those 2+ years because I want to be careful to not make my family feel like I'm hanging our undies out for the world to see. However, I also know that for me, one of the reasons I read blogs is to learn, grow, & feel encouraged that life is not perfect for everybody else & that other people understand that life is hard sometimes for all of us.

Life was VERY hard during those couple of years. I think some people have the misconception that since Kaya has been with us since near birth, that she has had it easy. Honestly, when I think back, it overwhelms me. For those 2 years, we had a case plan that dictated what had to be done, & it took a toll on every person involved. Twice a week she had supervised visitation that rarely ended well. At first, I would go to the courtyard to read a book or go to a nearby store to pass the time (visits were in a town an hour away, so going home was not an option), but after several episodes that resulted in a social worker trying to find me to console Kaya, I quit leaving. I planted myself in the waiting room so that they could find me. Again, this is hard to share because there's a lot more to it. At first some people thought it was typical separation anxiety because she had become attached to me. Over time, it became apparent that it was fear. Anyone that thinks that an infant, toddler, or young child does not have a sense of discernment should rethink that stance.

Fast forward to these past couple of weeks. Kaya got a brand new backpack & was all excited about starting preschool with the same teachers K'Tyo had last year. They are wonderful, & I was so excited for her & this new adventure. The teachers visited us at home, we went to open house, & then the first day. We had been through this routine countless times with K'Tyo, but when it came time for Kaya to be dropped off (a teacher comes to the car), Kaya unfastened her buckle, jumped out of her carseat, & began freaking out. She was clutching at my neck, kicking, screaming...holy smokes. Somehow, the teacher managed to get her out, & by the time I picked her up, she was fine & the teachers reported that she did well. However, we saw red flags everywhere. She began waking up crying in the night & ended up in our bed, she began acting out (naughty beyond the "normal naughty"), scared of everything, & the first words out of her mouth in the mornings were, "I'm scared...I don't want to go to preschool" as she became an appendage to me as I was trying to have the normal before school routine with the other kids.

Years ago, I would have drawn on the old "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" mode of operation & figured she would get over it. But knowing what we know now, Joe & I both knew we needed to trust our gut, and our guts were saying that she's not ready. While she can't verbalize where her feelings are coming from or what is triggering her fear, it is very real. I think there are definitely times in life when we do need to pull ourselves up, but I've also learned that life deals us things that are downright ugly. And some of those things show themselves in ways down the road that we need to recognize for what they are...past trauma & hurt that may need some extra TLC & flexibility in the way we do business.

I won't lie. I look forward to the kids going to school. To me, it's an exciting time & I love hearing about their daily adventures. I have never envisioned myself as a homeschooling mom (I totally admire the ones that are). But here I am with a little one that needs to be home, where she feels safe. For how long? I don't know. I do know that finally, over these past few days, she is returning to being herself. I know that we have done the right thing. I know that I will do whatever needs to be done as I take my cues from her & hope that I get it right more than I don't. And I will pray that God heals the places that hurt so that she may find a sense of confidence & security.

I am also thankful that even though I am an imperfect parent with much to learn, Kaelee & Kearsten have turned out to be beautiful young women that are using their gifts to teach children. And while I wish I had helped them to better deal with their losses early on, I am thankful that God works for good in all things, & you can see that He has used their past to influence their present to impact the future.

. . . and I'm not crazy either.

In my last post, I explained that I'm not amazing. I had intended to get to "Part 2" sooner, but life has been coo-coo crazy. While life has been that way a little, I would like to let y'all know that I am not! :o)

On one end of the spectrum, we get the "You're amazing!" comments, but then there's the other end...the folks that flat out say, "You're crazy!" Just recently at my son's football practice, I was introduced to someone, & when my friend told her that I have 8 children, without skipping a beat, she looked at me & said, "Why!?!" She was not at all mean-spirited about it, so I took the opportunity to tell her why I am NOT crazy, & how God is amazing!

Quite frankly, I am thankful. We are told all the time in church to be a light in this world. Me? I am only one, & not a real fancy one at that! What could I possibly do?

A couple of Sundays ago, my pastor had this to say:

"Your story means just as much as anyone's in the Bible."

How cool is that? But wait. How do our stories become important? This is where it gets tricky, because we have to give up trying to be the author.

"The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living." Hebrews 11:1

Pastor Dave asked the following question:

"Are you in your own story or God's story?"

He went on to say that we can be completely consumed by our own perspective & that other people or things can hijack our stories.

"Your identity should not come from outward sources. Rather, it should be that of your inner self." 1 Peter 3:3

Easy enough, right? Not really. What I've been learning along the way is that when God becomes the author of our stories, it doesn't look like what the world tries to define as being success or happiness. As a matter of fact, God's material tends to appear like pure craziness.

And I'm learning to be okay with that. Actually, I'm learning to be excited about it, continually amazed at His provision for me to live out this story as it's unfolding. I've begun looking at others & instead of raising an eyebrow at what they're doing, I want to raise my hands & clap as I see that they've surrendered their copyright, & God is doing amazing things through them!!

You know that I'm passionate about adoption...about children having hope. That's where God has me right now. But it's so exciting to look around & see His hand at work in so many ways. I have a friend that just moved her whole family to Guatemala to do missions full time; I have friends that are pediatricians that shine their light every day in the lives of families; I have friends & family that are educators, & they use their gifts to teach children; I have a friend that just spent the last year traveling around the world doing mission work; I know of a man that walks up & down the streets of this town letting people know that Jesus loves them. The list goes on, & each story has it's own unique twist.

To some, it may look a little crazy. But I think that most everyone wants to see that you're "all in". And "all in" typically does not follow the norm. Which is what God is all about.

So, why do I have 8 children, with a 9th on the way? Look at these pictures I took today.

K'Tyo & Kaya had their first days at kindergarten & preschool, respectively.

Only 15 months ago, K'Tyo was living in an orphanage.

When Kaya came into our lives, I didn't know if I would get to see her go to preschool.

When I see these pictures, I see hope, & I am on-my-knees-kind-of-thankful that I have gotten to witness redemption firsthand. And I'm not just talking about the redemption of my children's lives, but of my own.

And "beauty from ashes" takes on a whole new meaning, & it satisfies my soul like no "thing" in this world ever could.

I'm not amazing...

I think it's safe to say that we women are never real great at accepting flattering words. For instance, someone says we look beautiful, & our first response is to tell them just what flaw they are missing. I have definitely been guilty of this over the years, but I have tried to receive more graciously, especially from my husband so as not to send him to the funny farm.

However, there's still one statement from others that literally makes me squirm (it's usually said when people find out we've adopted & are about to adopt again)... "You're amazing!" While I know these words are usually meant with the best intent behind them (so please don't feel bad if you're reading this & you've said them to me before), my first inclination is to say, "No!!! You don't understand!!!! I'm really a mess. I've done some really dumb things, made bad decisions, I've failed motherhood on more than one occasion, I've been a crappy wife at times, I have a temper..." and on & on it goes.

Why such a sensitive reaction? I think it's because up until several years ago, I was actually seeking such a compliment. I was constantly striving for approval in the eyes of others, burning myself out doing "good things" to justify my existence. Yes, I had a bit of a complex about being "just a mom" with no higher education except from the school of hard knocks.

The things I was doing were all good, but they weren't necessarily things God had placed before me. So, basically, I was relying on myself to accomplish good things to gain the approval of others. People, I would seriously cram 101 complicated crafts (which meant endless hours of prep) into a week of vacation bible school for 3-yr-olds b/c I didn't want people to think I bombed as a teacher. Fact of the matter is, I don't even like to teach children. I like outreach geared towards adults. But I didn't want to ever say no. There came a point that I was completely burnt out.

Sadly, it took tragedy hitting very close to home to shake me up a bit. On a whim, we went to a different church one Sunday. I guess sometimes when the pain gets so bad, you can't sit still & need to change the scenery. We ended up going to an adult Sunday school class at the church we visited, & it was the beginning of the end of me. I will never forget the teacher talking about Christians being burnt out b/c they're so busy performing. And then he looked straight at me & said, "Have you ever felt like there's got to be more?' Yes, I lost it. Moving on....

Over the next couple of years, I began to discover that my life is not my own. God has a purpose for every life, but until I was willing to trust Him & learn to "hear" His voice, I was going to continue on the hamster wheel I had jumped on.

But God. He is ever so patient. I love the song, "Mighty to Save". Some of the lyrics say, "Take me as you find me, all my fears & failures, & fill my life again. I give my life to follow, everything I believe in, now I surrender." Gets me every time. He has done just that...Where I saw a mess, He saw hope. Where I saw a temper, He saw passion. Where I saw failures, He saw possibilities. And so the transformation began. And IT has been amazing.

I think sometimes people think adoption is what my testimony is about. Actually, it is a result of what God has done in my life. Maybe that's why when people tell me that I am amazing, I get all weirded out. I didn't do any of this myself. God began a work in me that gave me the courage to look upward & step outside the box I had created for myself. I can't do any of this in my own power. There are days I could almost freak myself out if I thought about it too much!!! But then I remind myself again that my life is not my own, & I trust the One in charge.

Interestingly enough, a few months ago, my oldest daughter was asked by the parent of one of her friends, "What are your parents trying to prove?" Once upon a time, I would have been all up in that lady's grill defending myself. But the funny thing was, I had this overwhelming peace because for the first time in my life,

I'm not trying to prove anything.