Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I'm Not Doing It......

For real...I'm really not. This post has been rolling around in my head (& my heart) for awhile now. Not sure how it will all come out, but hopefully I can somehow share where I'm at in a way that will make sense.

When I look back over the last several years, I am amazed & overwhelmed at what God has done in my life. Now that's not some "cutesy" statement meant to drum up a pretty picture in your head about my life. It's a statement about how God has used this mess of a woman in ways that I am not capable of on my own. He has extended much grace, mercy, patience, loving-kindness & forgiveness my way, seen past my doubts, fears, questions, lack of trust (well, you get the idea b/c the list is too long) and He has used my life. Blessed my life. All I had to do was surrender it. Not an easy task for someone who wants to feel in control of EVERYTHING. And yet, being out of control has been the most wonderful place to be. I have witnessed the hand of God at work in ways I could not have conjured up in my most creative moment.

So, this was my "ah-ha" moment: I cannot, will not, no I won't make any New Year's resolutions. Know why? Because they are based in me, in my own power, taking control of stuff. Whether it's about my weight, my exercise habits, my commitments to reading the bible, my patience with the kids, my finances, my not yelling at expressing my frustration with the basketball officials for being less than perfect when my baby is out there being hacked on, etc., etc., it's all about me "fixing" something. Nope, not doing it. I'm setting myself up for failure which leads to guilt, frustration, disappointment...basically all the crap that the enemy wants me to buy into.

"Whatever has been born of God conquers the world. This is the victory that has conquered the world: our faith." ~1 John 5:4

I am so thankful that God has not left me "where I am". He has convicted me of many things & is continually transforming me. If He knows me better than I know myself, then why in the world would I try to take over my transformation?

Growth in depth and strength and consistency and fruitfulness and ultimately in Christlikeness is only possible when the winds of life are contrary to personal comfort.
~ Anne Graham Lotz

To say that the winds of my life have blown contrary to personal comfort seems an understatement sometimes, but I KNOW that God knew then what I continue to discover now & He knows what is to come. Instead of resolutions, I offer the Lord a prayer of surrender:

Dear Lord, I thank you for the blessings & growth this past year has brought. I pray that you continue to lead me. Take my faith that seems the size of a mustard seed sometimes & increase it. Take my life...continue to transform my mind & my heart so that I can be your servant in my marriage, in my family, in my community & in this world. When life gets hard, convict me to re-focus on You...that I can fully trust that You go before me in all things. As I step into a New Year, I look forward with much hope and anticipation to the plans that you have. May I live my life in such a way that I'm always ready to "step out of the boat".
In Jesus' Name ~ Amen

1 comment:

Adeye said...

That is SUCH a wonderful post--it came out JUST RIGHT, friend. I absolutely agree with you. I gave up new years resolutions a very long time ago--they were all so centered around ME, and I hated that feeling.

More of Him and less of me...that's the desire of my heart too.

Living that out of control life right there with you, dear friend.