honestly

Honestly, I've had a whole bunch of stuff flying around in my emotional realm (won't say brain because I think I may have temporarily misplaced it), & I think I may have mentioned that I was wanting to put together a coherent post about it.  Well, it ain't happenin'.  So, this is gonna be a conglomeration (ok, maybe the brain is still there b/c that's a pretty sweet word AND I spelled it right!).  Here goes...

Honestly, I am over hate, judgment, mudslinging, & just plain ugliness.  I found an awesome post by Jen Hatmaker that sums up my feelings beautifully.  Here's an exerpt:

"This is precisely how I feel about the Chick-Fil-A debacle and all the other accouterments of the culture wars. I am so over it. I’m so over the fear mongering and hate propaganda. I’m over the political posturing and power plays. I’m over the finger pointing and name-calling. The storms are raging overhead, and let me tell you something:

I’m going to the basement."

If you haven't already, I would encourage you to go read it here.  And in case you didn't see the bit of debate on my FB page, I will go ahead & clarify something ahead of time:  I do not view the basement as a place to hide out in fear or bury my head in the sand.  I am a live my life & faith out loud kind of chick, but for me, the "basement" is simply a safe place where ALL are welcome & our choice is to love each other past our differences.  No judgment, no hate.  I'm not looking to debate politics, gay marriage, or anything else. I'm just tired of all the self-righteous balogne.  So please, take this in the spirit it is shared.  I love people.  End of story.  Moving on...

Honestly, I hate potty training.  Kemeri can do it, which I am ever so thankful for considering she has spina bifida, but like any 2-yr-old, she opts to forget about it at least once a day.  I know, not bad & totally understandable, so I need to get a grip.

Honestly, I got all choked up today taking K'Tyo & Kaya to choir camp (kinda like VBS).  Kaya was sooo excited, which just makes my heart happy.  It was about this time last year that our sweet girl just could not handle going to preschool.  She was so gripped with fear & anxiety about it that it was heartbreaking.  Now?  Oh, sweet girl...she has had such confidence & excitement with her last two preschool-type experiences.  I just want to bust with happiness for her!  She has had much to overcome in her short life & I thank God that He is healing her heart & bringing her to a place of security.

Honestly, at the same time I get choked up, I also begin to feel a different type of emotion, which very much resembles anger.  When I took Kaya & K'Tyo, I also had Kendi & Kemeri along.  They happily go bye-bye & get excited to visit new places.  I look at these punkins & feel thankful.  They bless me every day with their silliness, their affection, their trust...the list goes on.  So why do I feel angry?  Because there are so many more.  There are children just waiting to bless a family.  For the better part of 5 years, I have been directly involved in adoption.  I get asked a lot if we're done yet.  I'm not really sure how to answer that.  My heart hurts.  I am a mom.  There are children that need a mom, a dad, brothers & sisters (which they happen to be in big numbers & completely awesome around here).  I know I can't be a mother to millions, but it is in honor to be a mother.  I am in a strange place.  I haven't felt God say to "go" (not to mention He hasn't dropped a huge sum of adoption funds in our laps), but I don't have peace yet, either.  So, I am striving right now to enjoy the moments, focusing on the beautiful individuals that make up this family (including my husband), & I pray.  Does that answer the question?  Ya, I didn't think so.

Honestly, I used to run.  Note that's in past tense.  I feel the need to get back to taking better care of myself, especially since through these adoption journeys I have consumed my fair share of therapeutic chocolate. The problem is I can't seem to get past this feeling like it's frivolous.  There are children dying, people starving, families with no clean water to drink, & I'm worried about jogging?  Sounds dramatic, right?  But it's hard once you've seen it with your own eyes to just tuck it away into a comfortable place of denial.  I guess I need to seek out some kind of balance.  If I don't start taking better care of myself, I won't be much use to anybody.

Honestly, I am happy & sad all at the same time about school getting ready to start.  I love getting ready for a new school year & getting into new routines.  HOWEVER, I also know this year is bringing about a very different looking chapter in my life.  Kaelee & Kearsten are both on track to graduate from college (Kaelee in December & KiKi in May).  I am so proud of these girls & excited for them, but in all probability, they will both be moving south where the teaching jobs are.  Kameryn will be graduating from high school, so this will be a busy year of "last times", & then Kyler will be the senior.  He has been a camp counselor at a camp for children with varying degrees of special & behavioral needs, & he loves it.  He has been gone much of this summer & already has plans to continue on in this capacity next summer.  Kade began middle school football practice today...oh, how excited he is.  Joe is coming down the stretch to take his comps & complete his dissertation for his doctorate...this is one change I am VERY ready to embrace, thank you very much. 

Honestly, all of these coming changes must be why I miss being on vacation where we all got to be together. Since you listened to all my babbling, here's a few more pics that make me smile.

Honestly, where is Kaelee?? She must have been reading her beloved book. :o)