Thursday, January 17, 2013

a few things I take issue with

There are a few things that have come up in conversation lately that I am feeling the need to address, especially after the most recent one I read on FB.  Understand something...my opinions or stance on these comments are not to address things based on my own personal discomfort.  I'm a big girl & can handle/process things, so whatever.  My stance is for my children, who are much smarter than people give them credit for, regardless of age.  They are little people with big feelings, & if they hear what you say, they also then have to process those words.  We openly talk with our children about adoption, but let's face it....little bits of conversations can plant big seeds of confusion in the minds of children.  Just some food for thought.

So, here we go...There are a few statements I take issue with regarding our adopted children:

They are so lucky to have you as parents.  While I understand that people are well-meaning with these words, they couldn't be further from the truth.  Children are lucky if they never have to lose their first families.  While we celebrate children coming into our families because we are excited to have them here, the initial reason they came here is due to loss.  My children are young & happy-go-lucky, but as they get older, they will each begin to process this loss in a different way.  I don't know what that will look like, but statements like, "you're lucky" don't seem very healthy for a child that is processing a piece of their life that may never make a whole lot of sense.  And let's face it, ANY teenager has moments they don't feel real lucky to have you as parents, anyway. 

How could a mother ever give up their child?  Unfortunately, this statement has been said one too many times right in front of my children in a very "oh my gosh, they must be the worst human beings in the world to do such a thing" kind of tone.  Wrong.  Each of my children has a different story of how they came to be in our family, but I can tell you that each of them were loved deeply.  So, how?  I really can't answer that because when push comes to shove, I don't know that I'd have the kahunas to make the unselfish, gut-wrenching choices my children's first families made for their children.  So, please, don't ask this question & make my children feel like the mother that gave birth to them must be a terrible person.  It couldn't be further from the truth.

How many real kids do you have...you know, how many are your own?  Nine.  The answer is nine.  They are all real.  None are imaginary.  Each one I would willingly lay my life down for because they are my children.  I hate when my children hear this statement because it could make them question their real place in this family.  They have a real place, they belong, we are family.

Are you done yet?  You can't save them all, you know?  There are millions of children in this world growing up in orphanages without families.  One could argue that a child being taken out of an orphanage & brought into a family is being saved.  I get that.  HOWEVER, our choice to add to this family has come from the desire to have more children.  These children are not charity cases.  The reality is once you get off that plane (or bring that bundle home by car...we've done both), you are parenting.  You are family.  They may not have been birthed from my body, but they were birthed into our family nonetheless.  If anyone thinks they should adopt out of a sense of charity, please don't.  Children should never live with a feeling like they've been saved & should be indebted in gratitude.  I am not a savior; I am a mother. 

Mama Bear...signing off.

6 comments:

Sharon said...

Yes!Yes!Yes! Thank you for saying this all so clearly. Those last two bother me so much and it catches me off guard (it shouldn't). I so agree with your thoughts here-thank you!

Julie said...

Oh Dardi,

AMEN AND AMEN!!! We have had the same comments made and more, as I am sure you have. People tend to not THINK before they speak! Thank you for standing up and putting the words out there for all to read!

We Are Family said...

:)

Marie said...

How true! Love how you have expressed and addressed the same issues we face.
Would you mind if I share this?

Dardi said...

Marie...thank you for your comment! Please feel free to share. :)

Mama Ds Dozen said...

Amen!!!

Even when I "just" had 10 bio. kids, it was shocking what people would say in front of them.

We adopted 2 bio. sisters, so we get asked all the time, "Are they sisters?" Well, of course they are sisters if they are both my daughters . . . just as much as they are sisters with my blonde haired bio. daughter. Ugh.

"Are you done yet?" I got asked that after 3 kids in 2 1/2 years . . . and after 5 babies in 4 years . . . again after 6 in 6 years. Now that we have 12 children, people stopped asking. :)


Keep Preachin' !!!

Laurel
mama of 12