Sunday, June 3, 2012

This is Today

Yesterday was good...until it went bad.  Very bad.  We have a little girl that went from being blissfully ignorant to her surroundings thanks to morphine to having a very aware, very anxious little girl afraid of what might happen if she shut her eyes to sleep.

We have a little girl that did not react well to some medicine that was supposed to help her relax.  It backfired, & it was not good.  Like trying to climb out of her crib when she's supposed to be on flat bed rest not good.  Like screaming in fits & jumping at Mommy's touch not good.  Like ripping off clothes & ripping out monitors not good.  Like not succombing to complete exhaustion from it all until 4 a.m. not good.

She slept until 11:30.  Mommy only made it until 7:00.  This mommy on 3 hours of sleep is also not good.

I wish like crazy that I could say that I remained in a positive, thankful frame of mind.  I wish I could also say that I remained composed & patient, constantly trying new things to help remedy the situation.  I wish I could say I walk this road of motherhood gracefully in all circumstances.

I can't.  I was tired, frustrated for being frustrated, wanting just to be at home in my bed instead of trying to get comfortable on this brick I have sheets & a pillow on while trying to tune out the people & noises of the hospital.  I thought that if I heard "Moooommmmm" yelled in the dark one more time, I might just jump straight out of my skin.

But then my inner mommy musters up its gumption when the question is posed by a nurse, "Did you know she was going to have these needs?"  There were a few underlying inferences in that question, none of which I liked so much.

Yes, we knew.  No, we were not delusional thinking that it wouldn't be any big deal or that we would get her home & the needs would magically disappear.  While we hoped for the best, we also knew the probability that she would need medical intervention.  So, yes, we knew, & we said she's ours.  She's beautiful, spunky, silly, & we love her.  She happens to have some medical special needs.  Is this hard?  You'd better believe it's hard.

It's called motherhood.  I didn't go into it expecting perfection in any form from my children, so when I feel I have fallen way short of Mother of the Year, I know that His grace is new & that I cannot hold myself to some unattainable bar of perfection, either.  Motherhood requires me to constantly lean on Him & focus more on the beautiful moments that make being a mom totally worthwhile.  And sometimes it takes a snarky type of remark to remind me just how fiercely I feel about motherhood, even on 3 hours of sleep.


Rebecca said...

My friend... Heartfelt prayers on your behalf. Hang in there.

Mama D’s Dozen said...

Hugs & Prayers to you, my friend.

My heart goes out to you. You are a WONDERFUL mama, doing the very best you can in a most difficult of situations.

So sorry for the snarky remark. Ugh.

Praying for you!

Laurel :)

Yvette said...

Hugs. We are next with our sons amputation surgery tomorrow. Thanks for blogging about the good & bad!!

emariestar said...

Love and provoke me. Praying for all of you.