Yesterday was good...until it went bad. Very bad. We have a little girl that went from being blissfully ignorant to her surroundings thanks to morphine to having a very aware, very anxious little girl afraid of what might happen if she shut her eyes to sleep.
We have a little girl that did not react well to some medicine that was supposed to help her relax. It backfired, & it was not good. Like trying to climb out of her crib when she's supposed to be on flat bed rest not good. Like screaming in fits & jumping at Mommy's touch not good. Like ripping off clothes & ripping out monitors not good. Like not succombing to complete exhaustion from it all until 4 a.m. not good.
She slept until 11:30. Mommy only made it until 7:00. This mommy on 3 hours of sleep is also not good.
I wish like crazy that I could say that I remained in a positive, thankful frame of mind. I wish I could also say that I remained composed & patient, constantly trying new things to help remedy the situation. I wish I could say I walk this road of motherhood gracefully in all circumstances.
I can't. I was tired, frustrated for being frustrated, wanting just to be at home in my bed instead of trying to get comfortable on this brick I have sheets & a pillow on while trying to tune out the people & noises of the hospital. I thought that if I heard "Moooommmmm" yelled in the dark one more time, I might just jump straight out of my skin.
But then my inner mommy musters up its gumption when the question is posed by a nurse, "Did you know she was going to have these needs?" There were a few underlying inferences in that question, none of which I liked so much.
Yes, we knew. No, we were not delusional thinking that it wouldn't be any big deal or that we would get her home & the needs would magically disappear. While we hoped for the best, we also knew the probability that she would need medical intervention. So, yes, we knew, & we said she's ours. She's beautiful, spunky, silly, & we love her. She happens to have some medical special needs. Is this hard? You'd better believe it's hard.
It's called motherhood. I didn't go into it expecting perfection in any form from my children, so when I feel I have fallen way short of Mother of the Year, I know that His grace is new & that I cannot hold myself to some unattainable bar of perfection, either. Motherhood requires me to constantly lean on Him & focus more on the beautiful moments that make being a mom totally worthwhile. And sometimes it takes a snarky type of remark to remind me just how fiercely I feel about motherhood, even on 3 hours of sleep.
We have a little girl that did not react well to some medicine that was supposed to help her relax. It backfired, & it was not good. Like trying to climb out of her crib when she's supposed to be on flat bed rest not good. Like screaming in fits & jumping at Mommy's touch not good. Like ripping off clothes & ripping out monitors not good. Like not succombing to complete exhaustion from it all until 4 a.m. not good.
She slept until 11:30. Mommy only made it until 7:00. This mommy on 3 hours of sleep is also not good.
I wish like crazy that I could say that I remained in a positive, thankful frame of mind. I wish I could also say that I remained composed & patient, constantly trying new things to help remedy the situation. I wish I could say I walk this road of motherhood gracefully in all circumstances.
I can't. I was tired, frustrated for being frustrated, wanting just to be at home in my bed instead of trying to get comfortable on this brick I have sheets & a pillow on while trying to tune out the people & noises of the hospital. I thought that if I heard "Moooommmmm" yelled in the dark one more time, I might just jump straight out of my skin.
But then my inner mommy musters up its gumption when the question is posed by a nurse, "Did you know she was going to have these needs?" There were a few underlying inferences in that question, none of which I liked so much.
Yes, we knew. No, we were not delusional thinking that it wouldn't be any big deal or that we would get her home & the needs would magically disappear. While we hoped for the best, we also knew the probability that she would need medical intervention. So, yes, we knew, & we said she's ours. She's beautiful, spunky, silly, & we love her. She happens to have some medical special needs. Is this hard? You'd better believe it's hard.
It's called motherhood. I didn't go into it expecting perfection in any form from my children, so when I feel I have fallen way short of Mother of the Year, I know that His grace is new & that I cannot hold myself to some unattainable bar of perfection, either. Motherhood requires me to constantly lean on Him & focus more on the beautiful moments that make being a mom totally worthwhile. And sometimes it takes a snarky type of remark to remind me just how fiercely I feel about motherhood, even on 3 hours of sleep.
4 comments:
My friend... Heartfelt prayers on your behalf. Hang in there.
Hugs & Prayers to you, my friend.
My heart goes out to you. You are a WONDERFUL mama, doing the very best you can in a most difficult of situations.
So sorry for the snarky remark. Ugh.
Praying for you!
Laurel :)
Hugs. We are next with our sons amputation surgery tomorrow. Thanks for blogging about the good & bad!!
Love and hugs...you provoke me. Praying for all of you.
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